Like many of you I have been building my sandcastles for a while, tending to it and from time to time enjoying it.. And the time has come for me to let go of some of these sandcastles. And it is just in this letting go phase where I find my faith so integral.
I have been a people pleaser most of my life, till date I find it hard to make choices, needing my loved ones to ‘approve’ my choices because somehow that makes me more real.. This has led me to build many fake , no foundation sandcastles .. relationships formed out of fear of losing, fear of being unpopular, fear of being abandoned , fear of not being loved, fear of not being accepted.. As I wave a teary farewell to all these sandcastles build of fear , I am filed with emptiness. I am finally the person that I was so afraid of being all my life, what many in my circle label as failure but in this fear I have found the greatest love in my life. I know I am always loved, that I am accepted just as I am and that I will always have my daily bread.
So when things don’t exactly go your way and every moment seems unsurmountable, remind yourself of the temporary nature of life. I repeat my mantra ‘ Let your choices reflect faith not fear’. Whatever you believe in , find that faith in your sandcastle and like Albert Einstein ‘We don’t fail until we stop trying’
Seneca has said “It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor.” Is life all about the chase? The projects we work on, the places we goto, the adventures we do. There are many must dos, many want to do and many should do..A day has been good when we have been able to prioritize some want to do things..
When the must dos don’t get done then life feels unfunctional and that is often when I lift my vision to see the “big picture “.. which is often a list of want to and should do items.. Then I slip into a depression where I see i haven’t come even an inch forward.. I cry, feel sorry for myself, torture my loved ones, eat some sugar or drink some alcohol and go back to the must dos.. . Sometimes though I do get to the want to dos, and proudly do it.. call it self improvement..
However after my latest breakdown 🙂 i have been wondering what if we don’t identify ourselves completely with self improvement or efficiency !
For example, I love reading. I really enjoy the company of a book. Today while browsing I came across an ad for an app that showed an young woman who claimed she had no time to read but through this app she could read the crux of famous books during her commute. She had “read” 3 books a day,.. first I loved the idea.. I have always measured myself with numbers.. my new year resolutions often include reading 52 books a year.. at the same time it felt so counterproductive.. Is the joy in the chase to get the numbers or is it in the act of reading? After all I read as a hobby. Do I really need to make it efficient instead of fun?
What if we didn’t chase or measure the big picture always and just chose life with entirety. Have the mindset to add value where we can and not feel bad about progress. Keep doing our part the best we can without stress. Do our part and trust the Lord.
One of my favorite verse in the Bible is
Give us this day our daily bread
I know that my Lord will take care of my physical, emotional and spiritual needs. He knows my deepest desires and He is not afraid to provide for me. I pray that He gives me the strength to not worry.. All I need to do is to choose Him. Cut to the chase..
Over the past few days, I have been in the process of selling household things , things that have caused me sleepless nights and stress. Things that I thought would make my life better, would make me happier. I often thought only if i had the money to buy that, I would be happier. And more often than not, Lord blessed me with just “that” thing. Now that my house is half empty, I realize that I don’t need so much at all to live comfortably or to love passionately. By the grace of the Lord, I have been blessed with love, my soulmate ( can never thank God enough for him), kids, career and a passion for living and adventures. . And that if I cannot be happy now then I can never be happy. In a half empty house I realize I am done with things. No thing can bring me happiness or bring me stress.
The definition of success that I have grown up with has always been the Swedish dream of 3 Vs ( Villa, Volvo, Vovve) .. meaning that one is successful when one owns a big house, a big car and a dog. The Indian version includes having a bank balance as large as a phone number. And God has blessed me with a lot of these material success , house, car and a full family.. I am living the life that i have dreamt about with the most fantastic person i could dream of. I have a job that i like, colleagues who really appreciate me. I have the most curious and the most challenging kids. I have a bunch of good and bad experiences. And I am so grateful for life.
As the Lord says
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
I am content and I am manifesting the next phase by God’s grace and abundance. A phase where i can inner engineer myself. Create my definition of success. Let loose of that adventurous spirit. Have the ability to still my mind so I can listen to my soul. Listen to God. Be able to take care of myself not by sitting in a bubble bath or chocolate cake, but by having the courage to create a life that I don’t need to escape. Letting go of all things that bring me down ( people, self limiting believes and over consumption patterns), make more time to write, to help and just listen. Amen !
Time has passed by. The days are getting shorter and darkness is settling in. When I moved to Sweden about 10 years ago, I had a very hard time getting used to the darkness. Now I adore it😍😍. The cozy feeling of switching off lights, lighting candles and just sitting in the kitchen table, not reading a book or looking at the phone .. just being still and observing the candle light, the roads and the stillness, drinking coffee and water. Letting the thoughts, the problems and the issues come and go. That is where serenity hits me. That is my resting ground. I am sure you all have that one moment. That moment when you can just be . Your resting grounds 🙂 .
Life happens in the head. The same event can be a nightmare at one point and a paradise at another. We live after all in our inner world. Every piece of information that I process, I see it as positive or negative, mostly based on the past experience ,knowledge and context. Every experience I have had is a story I have told myself . Living Now is editing these past stories and creating space for the Now. Telling the victim in my head , that now is the time to live , not survive. So let go. I am free. Never in my life have I been so conscious of my stories , my trigger, which also makes it the first time when I can edit these stories, let go and clean up the baggage. Choose self talk.. very powerful indeed
I believe ours is the first generation that is free to make most choices that affect our lives. Most of the previous generations have been told by a priest, a pandit or a dictator how to live their lives. That is however not the case now, especially for us in the western world. Yet we live a life full of stress, anxiety and randomness. Living Now for me has been about actually exercising this freedom that I have been blessed with. For example choosing how I want to spend my Friday evening. Whether I want to sit with social media or pinterest , go for a walk or read a book . Do what actually makes me happy not what ‘should’ make me happy. Actually have a dialog with myself and override habits .
Habits are after all lack of consciousness. They form the basis for the rut, the template life . So I stopped trying to make “good habits and getting rid of bad ones” . Instead I ask, choose and listen to myself. And I choose life, faith and love.. I choose Christ, I choose Now. As the Bible says
Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.Amen
The days have been passing by. Days turn into night and dates change. Autumn darkness and stillness has sneaked up here. Corona has etched its affect into our lives. Everything around feels unstable. All my past experiences are getting zeroed up. Life is trying to tell me something. Life is here but I am not. During the past days i have tried to get a grip of this fact that i am not where life is. It is like i am doing things that i am not, so unconsciously that there is no time for doing what i want to do. The result frustration.. and more auto pilot. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR….. What a viscous cycle.
Faith is simple. It has no room for complex logic. My faith is I pray, i tell God what i want and i trust that it will happen. I am not in charge of worrying or making it happen. I don’t control any outcome. I just live in the now and do what i can. Let go of the control. Surrender and believe. I don’t need to think of what is possible, what is needed, etc etc. That is upto universe , upto my God. What is possible, what is needed… these are things that are shaped by past experience. Like if someone asks me stand up and fly. I will say well that is not possible. if someone tells me, stand up and walk. I will just do it. Because in my past experience i have never flown , but i have walked. Life is full of endless possibilities, and i am not limiting my life by my limited previous experience.
So what does this living now mean to me. Just now it boils down to being mindful of how i spend my time, my choices. Stopping every now and then and ask myself.. where is my mind? Is it here or is it somewhere else? And then bringing it back to here, and now.
Living now means having the capability to trust, Trust in words and actions without being compelled to cross check. The other day my husband said that there is no coffee in the pantry , my first response was “Really.. let me check”. Somehow i needed to see with my eyes to believe . In that moment, a wave of realization struck me. If it is so for something as small as coffee , do i also question everything else. And the answer is i dont want to. I want to have the capability to trust. Trust my Lord , trust the love of my life, trust myself. Stop this autopilot in the mind that tries to control without thinking.
Living now is believing in my dreams and taking action in the now to reach them. At the same time not worry about what the outcome of the actions will be in the future. We have now decide to move to US and experience the American dream. The move is controlled by a number of factors that is totally out of my control. And i can decide to let it overwhelm me or i can decide to just do what i can now and surrender.
Trust, Hope and live in the Now. Savor every Now and these cakes on father’s day for the most awesome dad in this universe ???
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
This is my favorite time of the year. The leaves are changing colors, it is nice, not too warm or not too cold… . A new season is in, everything in nature is preparing for the new, letting go of the old. Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different.
I did a bible plan during this week ( thank you husband dear for the recommendation) about the four enemies of the heart that steal our happiness and blessings , namely Guilt, Anger, Greed and Jealousy. Guilt that says I owe someone , anger that says Someone owes me , Greed that says I owe me and Jealousy that says God owes me. Very simple and powerful. Every time i am sad or angry or jealous now i tell myself Does he/she really owe me, does God really owe me? Hasn´t He blessed me enough? Indeed He has.. Grateful i am for it.
One of the biggest realization i have had in the recent days has been about how i have always been a closed person, meaning that my way of dealing with difficult feelings has been indifference. So instead of being honest and talking about the difficult things , I often decide to ignore texts , phone calls or meetings. I have a million explanations about the origins of the behavior but I have decided to consciously condition myself out of this behavior. Because indifference is the exact opposite of everything i want in.. life, love and faith. No one owes me .. And i have no point to prove to anyone .
I am lucky and grateful that to be loved without conditions, loved for who I am and not what I do , loved without any complains, the list goes on… . So my mission now is to just spread out some of the immeasurable love I recieve every day.. to actually LISTEN without judgement, show appreciation and love beyond measures and stop complaining.. Like Ingrid Betancourt says Fear is contagious but so is faith.
My most loved husband asked me this morning ” Babe, what kind of a life do you want to live? ” A very simple question. Immediately a lot of -ist began to pop up in my head. Minimalist, simplisti, feministi, nature friendly.. the list goes on.. The truth however and my answer was .. I want to live a simple life, close to God. A life where i am of service, where i can bring what is uniquely mine to the table and help everyone with it , i want to give more than i take. Well easily said than done.. ( total no of I´s in this overwhelms me)
I have recently been reading a book from Tomas Sjödin titled in Swedish ” Den som hittar sin plats tar ingen annans” .. translated into “That which finds its place takes nobody else´s place”. A book which has made quite an impact on my understanding. The book talks about the fact that everyone has a gift but it is upto us to bring into life the unique gift we have and use it to help others. When we do that then we find our place.. Inspiring and hopeful.
The recent months have been a lot of soul searching for me.. What is my purpose in life? Do i even have any gifts? what kind of values do i have? .. and so on and so on.. As a child i thought that adults have this kind of shit figured out. Sorry little me.. not this adult. I have talked countless hours to my wise and amazing husband about this and i have come up with at least a dozen concrete plans that seem so right but so far away.. What i know is that for the longest time i have been trying to make sense of life but now i see there is no sense to be made, only life to be lived. there is just an emphemeral moment to breathe, to love, to be kind, to feel. Life is in all the simple, little things that we so often overlook. Life is about embracing the journey not fretting about the destination.
I have no fucking clue what my destination is.. All is now is Jesus is going to guide me to it if i let Him. Just now i want to move my focus from I .. Be a little less selfish, more kind, more selfless, love without conditions and understand .. Like Dalai Lama says ” The planet doesnt need more sucessful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers,storytellers and lovers of all kinds”..
So if you ever need an ear to listen to you and tell your story , please dont hesitate to contact me. I will continue writing my story here 🙂 .. Hugs and Peace