What do I owe …

This is my favorite time of the year. The leaves are changing colors, it is nice, not too warm or not too cold… . A new season is in, everything in nature is preparing for the new, letting go of the old. Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different.

 I did a bible plan during this week ( thank you husband dear for the recommendation) about the four enemies of the heart that steal our happiness and blessings , namely Guilt, Anger, Greed and Jealousy. Guilt that says I owe someone , anger that says Someone owes me , Greed that says I owe me and Jealousy that says God owes me. Very simple and powerful. Every time i am sad or angry or jealous now i tell myself Does he/she really owe me, does God really owe me? Hasn´t He blessed me enough? Indeed He has.. Grateful i am for it.

 One of the biggest realization i have had in the recent days has been about how i have always been a closed person, meaning that my way of dealing with difficult feelings has been indifference. So instead of being honest and talking about the difficult things , I often decide to ignore texts , phone calls or meetings. I have a million explanations about the origins of the behavior but I have decided to consciously condition myself out of this behavior. Because indifference is the exact opposite of everything i want in.. life, love and faith. No one owes me .. And i have no point to prove to anyone .


I am lucky and grateful that to be loved without conditions, loved for who I am and not what I do , loved without any complains, the list goes on… . So my mission now is to just spread out some of the immeasurable love I recieve every day.. to actually LISTEN without judgement, show appreciation and love beyond measures and stop complaining.. Like Ingrid Betancourt says Fear is contagious but so is faith.



 PS: Loved this  Ted talk https://ideas.ted.com/fear-is-contagious-but-so-is-faith-a-hostages-story/
























My most loved husband asked me this morning ”  Babe, what kind of a life do you want to live? ” A very simple question. Immediately a lot of -ist began to pop up in my head. Minimalist, simplisti, feministi, nature friendly.. the list goes on.. The truth however and my answer was .. I want to live a simple life, close to God. A life where i am of service, where i can bring what is uniquely mine to the table and help everyone with it , i want to give more than i take. Well easily said than done.. ( total no of I´s in this overwhelms me)

I have recently been reading a book from Tomas Sjödin titled in Swedish ” Den som hittar sin plats tar ingen annans” .. translated into “That which finds its place takes nobody else´s place”. A book which has made quite an impact on my understanding. The book talks about the fact that everyone has a gift but it is upto us to bring into life the unique gift we have and use it to help others. When we do that then we find our place.. Inspiring and hopeful.

The recent months have been a lot of soul searching for me.. What is my purpose in life? Do i even have any gifts? what kind of values do i have?  .. and so on and so on..  As a child i thought that adults have this kind of shit figured out. Sorry little me.. not this adult. I have talked countless hours to my wise and amazing husband about this and i have come up with at least a dozen concrete plans that seem so right but so far away..  What i know is that for the longest time i have been trying to make sense of life but now i see there is no sense to be made, only life to be lived. there is just an emphemeral moment to breathe, to love, to be kind, to feel. Life is in all the simple, little things that we so often overlook. Life is about embracing the journey not fretting about the destination. 

I have no fucking clue what my destination is.. All is now is Jesus is going to guide me to it if i let Him. Just now i want to move my focus from I .. Be a little less selfish, more kind, more selfless, love without conditions and understand .. Like Dalai Lama says ” The planet doesnt need more sucessful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers,storytellers and lovers of all kinds”.. 

So if you ever need an ear to listen to you and tell your story  , please dont hesitate to contact me. I will continue writing my story here 🙂 .. Hugs and Peace